I was recently contacted by someone who, due to similar circumstances, was curious about my motivation - not for writing about my experience, but why I've stopped having vaginal sex.
I'm sure to most people it just seems like such a strange concept; after all, anal sex is just for men isn't it? Well, I completely disagree with that point of view. I enjoy it, I've read about dozens (possibly hundreds) of women who do. Women have even written books and guides about the subject. If that doesn't show that it can be just as important in our lives too, then I don't know what will.
Anal sex has always been a big part of my sex, right from the beginning. I don't actually dislike vaginal, but the combination of being able to orgasm easily from anal and the huge emotional aspect of anal always wins out. I could (and do now) live without vaginal sex but can't imagine a life with no more anal sex.
Having said all of that, I probably would have taken this path were it not for my husband having his own strong likes and dislikes. I suppose you could say he'd been steering in this direction for some time since he'd read about another couple who did the same. And it took a long time before he could articulate that same desire.
For anyone who thinks I'm just submitting or being controlled, you are so very wrong. I've recognised what is important in our marriage and what works. I love him and if we aren't compatible then our relationship would break down. I recognise it is not a choice for everyone, but I'm very happy about it. Neither of us are lying to each other and both are satisfied sexually.
I would also like my wife to do this. You understand that sex is at the heart of the marriage. Every time we make love I'm lying because just like your husband I don't really like the vagina. What did you husband say to you? I would love my wife to feel the emotional side like you do, but I don't know where to start.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that only having anal sex is the right thing, or vaginal sex is bad, or all women should do this.
DeleteI'm only saying for me this choice isn't a sacrifice. I don't feel I've lost anything. It works for us because it's what he needs AND I happen to enjoy it.
Start by being honest with your wife and take it from there, but don't have any expectations. Also, don't make and demands or make her feel guilty if she feels differently.
She's more likely to feel that intimacy and connect to you emotionally during anal sex is she isn't under any pressure.
You said you were into anal from the very beginning - Why did you start having anal? Due to your own desires/curiosity and discovery, or was it with a boy (or girl)? How did you manage your anal preference when it is a taboo?
ReplyDeleteI was introduced to anal by an older man (he was my first). It was only about the second or third time we had sex, only a few days after my first time. I guess you could say I was talked into it. Fortunately he knew what he was doing (what did I know back then?) so it was much better than it otherwise could have been.
ReplyDeleteIt is only a taboo in a cultural sense. Generally people don't come out and say in public "Anal sex, yeah I love that!".
I've never had any problem with previous lovers. Either they suggested it or I did. I know this is not scientific, but none turned it down when offered, so I'm fairly sure most men like anal.
Well, I like to think it's not the only thing that makes our relationship special! But sure, you need to find common ground. Unfortunately sex is often one area where a couple don't see eye to eye; be it what they do, how often etc.
ReplyDeleteAs for lasting happiness? Only time will tell!
There are parallels here with my own marriage. Like your own husband, I only like to have anal sex. My wife however, does not. I tried hard to enjoy normal sex..but cannot. It's an issue that has driven a wedge between us. Because she doesn't do anal very willingly she is unable to enjoy it. If she shared your attitude I think she might find it possible, because as you've shown much of the pleasure is in the mind.
ReplyDeleteThis is maybe a case of her feeling this is about power or control rather than an anal thing. If she feels pushed into a corner then neither mentally or physically is she going to enjoy the experience.
DeleteGive up the idea about it always being anal (for now at least). If you can't bring yourself to penetrate her vaginally how about pleasuring her in other ways. Make her happy and relaxed.
When you do make love anally try with her on top or missionary so that you can hold each other and kiss, and so she can see your face. I know you guys get aroused by doing it from behind but you need to allow her to form an emotional connection.
I've never heard of a couple doing this before. Not saying it can't/doesn't happen. Most guys love anal but it's rare for a woman. By the sounds of it it works because you both share the same desire. I had a buddy who really loved oral but his girlfriend just hated sucking him so he was forever bitching about it. So I think you've done the right thing keeping your man happy.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes...
ReplyDeleteMy husband has asked if we can just have anal sex in future as he much prefers it. We started having anal sex when I was pregnant, and I did quite enjoy it then. Could be the hormones but I was feeling more amorous at the time. Since then I've not felt such a strong desire for it, but he doesn't have much interest in anything else. I hadn't known until I read here just how common this preference is in men, but I'm wondering is this just a phase he's going through like with me or will he always prefer anal? So now I need to decide where to go from here. I haven't made up my mind yet. I know how much it means to him, and I do get off in a way knowing how much it pleases him. I want us both to be happy and could probably do this as I don't find it too uncomfortable, but I need first to weigh up the arguments in my mind. Obviously I have concerns about what it may mean in the long term. I also need to know from those who have done this what to expect and how they deal with it.
From what I understand pregnancy and post childbirth can often be a confusing time for women, where everything changes. Perhaps you haven't yet adjusted. There's plenty of time to fall in love with anal sex again.
DeleteAs far as your husband is concerned, it's difficult to be certain. He may have been unsettled in some way. Having said that, in my experience most men who've shown an interest in anal sex have a lifelong passion for it; perhaps he's just discovered this side of him.
No-one can tell you what you should do. Only you can work out if you can accommodate his needs, whilst looking after your own.
If you are able to have sex without discomfort then you're all set and I can't help there. There is no medical evidence that anal sex causes any harm in the long term. I've personally not suffered in any way.
I'm not even sure that this is something you should commit to permanently. Why not take it one day at a time and see where it leads?
Wishing you all the best whatever you decide.
My wife and I were very lucky, we just gravitated to anal only without any discussion or ultimatums. She knew I preferred it, and over time she came to prefer it as well. I say give it a 6 month trial and then see how you feel. If you still don't feel inclined, at least you gave it your best shot. Your husband would have to respect that.
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