Like I said on another post, I have more to say about my husband.Now, I know that this blog is meant to be primarily a resource for women and their views but the women is just one half of the couple. Also, as shown by the many hundreds or thousands of other blogs, journals, forums etcetera, so many women still don't understand their men when it comes to anal sex: Why do they like it? What makes it so enjoyable? Why are they always asking their wives and girlfriends for anal sex with such regularity?
What follows is what I've been about to glean over the years from my husband and more recently when I decided to write this piece. Remember, this is just my husband, so it may not be true, or all true, for others. At the very least it'll be more informative than the usual "because it's tighter".
From what I understand, the influences can be broken down into three parts: how it looks, how it feels, and how it makes him think.
Lets start off with the looks. Like most women I just assumed for a long time that the only reason he'd want to put it in my ass was because it was tighter and more stimulating. Sure, I knew men liked a shapely behind but I'd underestimated the visual aspects. It didn't find out until quite recently that he actually isn't sexually attracted to the female genitalia to any great degree. At first I was like, you what? I guess the initial reaction was one of shock but as he explained further it became clear I'd misunderstood.
He does like the femininity of a woman; her breasts, face, hips, waist, ass, hair, softness, smell. All of that. What he doesn't like is the vulva. Not the lips, shape or anything about it. He claims not to find that attractive. He says that it took him years to gain his confidence, sexually, as this was a cause of concern to him. Was he gay? Was he just weird?
So what really turns him on and attracts him is a woman's anus. Now I understand him, I can actually take that as a compliment, since he says I have a very pretty one. *BLUSH*
Well they do say men are visual first and foremost, sexually.
So while I can accept all this from him, I'm still left a little confused. Does it answer my questions? I'd always assumed all men were attracted to those parts of a woman that made them distinctly female. Can there be heterosexual lust without that attraction? Well, apparently so. He gets an erection merely by contemplating a female anus, but not the genitalia. All this just invites even more questions; did something or an event make him this way? Are some born this way? Part of a spectrum like sexuality? I'm not being judgemental by the way. I've had a long time to get used to this and nor does it worry me. It doesn't diminish his desire for me, nor mine for him.
Moving on to how it feels. Now, I've felt inside both my vagina and my anus. To me, yes both are different but neither one would I have thought significantly better than the others. He begs to differ since I obviously lack a penis. While he says that the vagina is basically the same all the way up the anal / rectal region is like three different zones of sensation. First, obviously is the tight ring of muscle at the entrance. Then inside is the rectum which is a little more open as it doesn't collapse on itself like the vagina. The rectum curves back towards the spine and after a few inches narrows again. But overall the three parts are apparently capable of more rhythmic, contrasting contractions and hence more stimulating than the vagina.
The last part, how it makes him think, is not so clear. He agrees that it is a more intimate experience, but struggles to define this and as I've said before I believe men and women maybe see intimacy slightly differently. I think he feels as though he in a small way, dominates me, although I don't feel dominated - I'm doing this totally voluntarily. But if it makes him feel good I see no harm.
Whether this is all true or not, some (or many) men seem wired to prefer anal sex for some or a combination of all these reasons. I can understand, if never truly share those feelings.
As usual I'd love to hear from men (or their partners) on this.
The dominant factor is residual of the animal kingdom, where anal penetration male to female or male to male is an act of dominance.
ReplyDeleteMe, personally, I do get stimulated by sight of the vulva, but only when not in a state of arousal. A clean and smooth back door, however, is far superior providing a nearly instant reaction (my wife regularly contends that I have a problem).
The act itself, slow and loving or fast and bestial has, in addition to your husband's reasons, always held the attraction of the taboo (god says no), and the physical requirement of total acceptance. It doesn't take much work to get into a vagina, but for both to enjoy anal the guy (in most cases) needs to be in control of himself, and the receiving male or female needs to be accepting and compliant.
Maybe that's just me.
Thanks for you input Doug.
DeleteI'm curious, is anal penetration something that happens often in the animal kingdom? I thought it was just a human thing.
You did make me chuckle about the 'instant reaction' - very familiar to me!
The taboo aspect and god...hmm, well that's a whole other story. I could write a lot (or not) on that particular subject.
And yes, the female does need to be accepting. It's a requirement for successful anal sex. Not sure I'd describe myself as compliant - accommodating, willing to please, maybe...
Compliant makes me think passive and servile.
It's something that only has to happen once, so it's not all that common. One critter wants to challenge the top, the stronger may mount them, regardless of gender, to establish their position. I'm not sure whether it's a frequent occurrence among those few other species that have sex for pleasure, however.
ReplyDeleteRegarding my word choice with "compliance", it's residual from my own experiences. I rarely get to enjoy anal with a woman that brought it up herself, and never before my wife. While the women involved may have had a shockingly good time, it has always started with her consenting to my insistence. Still, perhaps only two encounters with my wife have been her idea.
On that note, if I may solicit some advice, my wife has a back door with a mind of its own. She's loved anal, she's asked for anal. There are times, however, even when she really wants it, that we can't find a way to make it work without pain. Lots. For a 2 weeks or so, we actually had to spoon, except we were also head to toe. Sometimes, no matter how ready she is or what we do to prepare, we just can't do it; even going only just past her sphincter hurts her a lot. Have you experienced anything like that?
Occasionally with all the will in the world it isn't meant to happen or can be harder work. This has happened less often as the years pass but all the same...
DeleteThe thing is, that even when you are turned on and willing the required muscle control is still voluntary. It is all psychological, but once your brain is convinced it doesn't want to open up then that spells trouble.
Sometimes its because I'm sensitive there due to a recent bowel movement. Other times its because one is due, which perversely can make the sphincter actually contract until it descends from the colon. Other times because he misses the mark and that can sometimes be uncomfortable/off-putting and then you get tense again.
Usually the way to deal with the problem is to break off, relax for a bit - maybe back to some other play and try again a little while later. If there is any pain don't persist as it won't get better in my experience.
These days he spends quite some time licking my anus before penetration, which is wonderful, and this always relaxes and opens me up. The other solution of course, which they always say (and it's true) is to have some alcohol before hand as this is a great relaxant. I don't do this as much as I used to as I then find it harder to climax but always one worth trying.
Ah, so it's nnot just me that's more aroused by the female sphincter than the view between her legs. It's the more mysterious, hidden aspect, only revealed as she bends and the cheeks part.
ReplyDeleteBut you're not turned off by the vulva? Have you always felt this way? Did it also affect your confidence in the same way? This is all kind of new to me.
DeleteNot turned off, no. But not turned on either. I don't mind if it's shaved and neat. Small, closed labia can look okay but all the same doesn't compare to an anus. Can't say it affected my confidence much. I never thought about it much until reading this. I've always been attracted to women so whats the problem?
DeleteFrom my perspective, I'm not looking for compliance. I always want my lover to _desire_ anal. In the beginning I'm okay with her trying it to please me, but my mission is to make it SO GOOD the first few times that she _asks_ for it. I have no interest in domination (nor do i like being a sub). I just want a girl to be as hot for anal as I am, especially if she'll return the favor occasionally and enjoy doing it.
ReplyDeleteI've had one girlfriend that I introduced to anal, and she absolutely adored it! We had anal sex exclusively for about a year, averaging about 10 times a week (I was much younger then :). At that frequency there was never any trouble getting in. It was the most awesome time of my life. I've had some luck introducing other girlfriends to anal, but nothing as intense as that one, and nobody else interested in anal only. I *really* miss those days :)
10 times a week is...a real love of anal! I'm impressed. I did a week once and by the end of it was feeling a little used. In a good way, but other than that, how does anyone find the time?
DeleteAll I can say is it sounds like you two were made for each other.
So, you're not in it for the domination - what makes it appealing to you? Does any of the above sound like you?
And just so you know, I love the look and feel of the female genitalia. I think vaginal sex is actually more physically stimulating to me (I tend to orgasm faster), but as we all know, most of the enjoyment in sex is mental. My absolute favorite thing is anal missionary, because I can see her empty vagina flexing above her stuffed ass, and the look of ecstasy on her face!
DeleteI think maybe it's because I was playing with myself anally long before I discovered "normal" masturbation. It's just a kink to find someone as into it as me. It's also hot to find a girl who wants to work me over too. Getting BOTH was absolutely amazing.
ReplyDeleteI can do the domme thing if it turns my lover on. I never really do it for myself. My biggest turn-off is having to push the issue of sex. The hottest thing in the world to me is a horny lady grabbing me through my pants with that "I need this thing
inside me NOW" look in her eyes! :)
As for the frequency, we were both youthful with plenty of hormones keeping the arousal level up!
I find the anus is usually a bit more arousing than the vagina. I have no interest in male anything, just female. Some pussies are extremely attractive and give incredible pleasure, some not really at all. Anus is much more consistent. Internally, I find pussy and anus to be about equally complex in completely different ways. Exploring the anus with my cock is probably the most exciting sexual sensation.
ReplyDeleteI was attracted to anal sex from an early age and did not know what to do about it. I had a very emotionally repressive background and could not talk about my real feelings at all until well into adulthood. When I started messing around with girls in my late teens, I introduced analingus to express my feelings gently without having to talk. I found if a girl let me do it at all, she loved it but also had a hard time talking about it. I had many deep tongue-fucking sessions on girls' assholes that we never spoke of. This was the 80s... anal anything was ordinarily just associated with gay sex.
I started buttfucking around 21, when one of those girls signaled she wanted my cock where my tongue had been. I was suddenly in a very dominant physical position, where before I had been in a more submissive one; but I never saw my role as either/or and I still don't. I have difficulty breaking my sexuality down according to those roles. I see it all as a form of merging and sharing. Once I started doing it, I realized that a very enthusiastic anal fixation was always going to be the center of my sexuality and I learned to be more open about it with partners.
I'm still shy and I still use analingus as an early signal with my partners about what I want. I feel anal is a way to get into a very private space with a woman, to express an urge to go deep into the hidden parts of her (physically, mentally, spiritually). It's always associated with romantic love in my mind.
I'm not sure what you mean by complex - could you elaborate?
DeleteWas there anything that you think triggered your interest in anal from an early age? My husband isn't sure. He also loves analingus.
At least you seem at ease now with your anal fixation at the center of your sexuality. It does seem to bother some men, though perhaps maybe thats just the frustration because many women can't or won't be accepting.
Your description of wanting to get into a 'private space' to access her deeply and personally is a really great description. Thanks for the insight. It's that kind of thing I've been looking for and something I can relate to.
I mean to say that i think the pussy and the butthole register about evenly with me in practice, just in very different ways.
DeleteI can definitely get off on the feeling of the cervix and exploring the shape of the vagina; finding areas of sensitivity with my cock etc, and feeling the pussy lubricate around me can be one of the most exquisite sensations. i find a very diverse range of pleasure from vaginas. Some are very memorable and some not. I think it depends a lot on a woman's own relationship to her pussy... how she keeps it and how much conscious control she has over her pussy muscles. Obviously some are tighter than others, too, but her own awareness is probably the greatest factor. Taste and smell can vary quite a bit. A great tasting pussy can be really awesome... complex means there are many factors.
Assholes can vary a lot, too, but I think it's much rarer for me to find one i don't get turned on by. Pussies have about a 80% turn-on rate w me and buttholes are closer to 95%. Since vaginal sex is basically a given expectation, appraising the ass is just a sweeter, more novel fancy. The time it takes to initiate anal necessitates more attention to her reactions as i get in past the rings and/or start to move, so it's very much slowed down and heightened in comparison as well. And the experiences I've had with deep anal fucking---balls-deep---occupy many of my best sex memories. I can feel myself in those chambers, and the end is more mysterious than the feel of a cervical ring... like an endless penetrating of her insides. And I've had some partners experience very intense pleasure being touched so far inside wherever I'm reaching them, so it's very nice, and it takes so long (comparatively) to get to that point versus pussy fucking, that there is a timeless quality to it also.
As for how I became interested in it to begin with? I think I just always knew sex was fun, and from my earliest memories being attracted to girls, the thought of her butt was probably in there... I didn't know what a pussy was until i was about 6, maybe, but i was drawing men and women having anal intercourse from about age 4 :) It's possible someone introduced me to that concept, but I highly doubt it... I have no memories of any adult or even any older kids forcing anything on me or sexually bullying me, etc.
so... yeah, any woman I become involved with now gets clear signals from me from the start that I want to explore her anally to whatever extent she is willing to go. It's not necessary at all for a short-term involvement, but I will be testing her for her receptivity, enthusiasm and experience.
Thanks for the detailed answer. I understand what you mean about complex. I'd never thought about that much, nor had anyone really described it to me in quite that way.
DeleteI agree about the whole process being slowed, like sex in slow motion. It does heighten you're awareness when it is drawn out and, for us at least, makes us seem more in tune or at one. It's weird isn't it?
I also recognize that intense pleasure when he is deep inside. I love to know what that is he is stimulating - sum bundle of nerves?
Yeah :)
Deletethat place is pretty deep inside, deeper than the prostate spot for men... and I would swear from my own experience it's like 2nd g-spot for some women I've known. sweet to read here that you have felt pleasure like that, too.
Speaking as a woman who has a husband like yours I can empathize with your initial shock when finding out it was your ass that really made him tick. Yeah, I went through all the same feelings and in truth I think he too felt a little bad.
ReplyDeleteWe had started having anal sex (his idea) shortly after getting married. It was a little uncomfortable at first but I persisted because he really got off on it big time. After a number of times over month it actually got a whole lot better and I started to enjoy it. I can be very erotic and making him happy is important. But then he started asking for anal just about every time and I got a little fed up of ending up on my hands and knees all the time with next to no foreplay getting lubed up. Where was the equality?
To cut it short, things came to a head and his feelings came out in the open for about the first time ever in his life. It took time, because I felt he didn't really love me as a woman and my self-esteem took a hit. In the end our relationship is stronger for it, and I accept that he's just the way he is. We have a deal and we make sure anal is a big but not the only part of our sex life.
It's about knowing where you stand. We've found that so much of the tension was release by clearing the air in a similar way. Pulling in different directions never works...
DeleteCongratulations on the two of you finding a balance that works for you.
For me it is the intimacy. I enter slowly and once buried we kiss like teenagers until she is comfortable me throbbing and her squeezing back. After that it is balls to the wall rough full withdrawal and full insertion on every stroke. I like it all but more the kissing. She likes the rough.
ReplyDeleteRecently I placed my Dick in her vagina she kicked me off and screamed DONT YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN! Later she explained that I had not gone there in 13 years. We never made any agreement to be AO but I guess we are. I love this woman!
The "look" is very important to me, very much a part of my sexual life.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand much of what's been said here.
I too have never been particularly interested in the look of a woman's vagina. I am happy to touch it, play with it, fuck it, taste it for hours on end. But it's not appealing visually.
But for some reason, a woman's anus is very very appealing, to contemplate, to discover hidden away as it is, to look at, to examine, to touch and penetrate with finger and tongue, as well as to fuck. First of all, I've long been mostly interested in women's bottoms. Stared at them all through middle school and high school, undressing those young classmates of mine in my mind only (until I finally started dating a girl). So the interest for me began with the buttocks and I supposed the next step was wondering what lie in the between those lovely round cheeks.
As for the 'gross' factor that may turn off some people, I admit that I've never seen an unclean anus (and I've been with perhaps 15 women in my life whose bottomholes I've seen quite up close), and so there's never been anything about it not to like. And actually, the first time I saw a woman's anus was my teenage girlfriend, a very prim and proper young woman. Well she was 15 and I was 16, so not adults back then. Anyway, when it happened, one night when I spread her bottom apart and looked that first time at her little hole, I have to say it was so clean you could have eaten off of it. It's biological function never occurred to me, it just looked so hot, so beautiful, so cute, so intensely appealing.
Anyway for me, it's just this simple, small, cute, pink or purple or brown opening, this secretive place that no one is supposed to see, tucked between the sexiest part of a woman's body, a very private, intimate area that makes me wildly excited to be exposed to.