A reader response (to "Female perspective on the male perspective")

I had quite a surprise in my mailbox yesterday: What is so far the longest, most detailed response I've ever had to one of my articles. I feel it makes sense to publish this on it's own rather than going back and editing the original, and it does stand on it's own.

I do hope my readers don't mind that I'm not giving a personal update, and I hope you'll agree that this is a valuable contribution, whether you relate to it or not.

Very interesting article, I'd be happy to add some data. I'm a mid-30s male. Became sexually active at 15 and realized I was interested in butts fairly quickly. By about 18-19, I was very interested in the idea of anal and by about 20 had done it with a girlfriend. Since then, I've been lucky enough to have it factor into each of my sexual relationships (all long-term monogamous ones). Now I'm married to a women who was not really into anal before, but has recently developed a very eager appetite for it and this has allowed me to really open up to her about how passionate I am about it. She always knew I was into it, but I definitely held back a lot of my feelings and would hide a lot of my porn from her because I feared that she would think my love of big gaping buttholes was gross. Since turning a road recently, we're doing almost only anal and are both more sexually gratified than we've ever been.

Looks:

I'm with your husband here and it's something that I always felt kind of bad about as well. Vaginas aren't a turn-off necessarily, though I find a large number of the ones I see are. I like a trim, tidy looking vagina but seeing them splayed open like in porn and seeing big gangly labia hanging off of them doesn't turn me on at all. On the other hand, a female asshole peaking between a pair of cheeks is something I find more intriguing and, being honest, I really get off on seeing assholes on women who look obviously well-used or loose. Where you can see the muscle has been trained many, many times and could open up for a penis with very little notice. I find this very arousing.

I've always had enjoyable vaginal sex with my wife and she has one of the nicest looking vaginas I've ever seen, but even she would much rather have me tongue her asshole than lick her clit and we're both pretty happy for that. :)

Feeling:

As mentioned above, I'm definitely not in the "because it's tighter" crowd, which I believe is largely comprised of men who probably have only had partners who tolerate anal rather than love it. I find I get more excited when her asshole gives me less resistance. I love how once I get part way into her ass, her hole just seems to pull me right in the rest of the way.

Without a doubt, the most amazing physical sensation of anal sex that drives me crazy is that, with the correct position and adequate relaxation and warming up, I am able to *fully* penetrate my wife's ass. I am long enough (7.5") and my wife small enough (5'1" tall) that I am unable to fully penetrate her vagina. If I near full depth, I bottom out on her cervix and it's both uncomfortable and distracting to me and it hurts her if I hit it too firmly. This forces us to use positions and methods that keep me at a shallower depth. She also has a hard time with my girth in her small vagina and more often than not, her vagina is a little sore after any regular vaginal sex session. On the other hand, when she is well relaxed for anal, I can press my full member into her and feel my tip pass through the narrowing at the end of the rectum and this causes my penis to explode very quickly.

During a balls deep anal orgasm, I am very physically aware of three distinct sensations on my penis and the orgasm intensity is unachievable with vaginal sex, though I fully accept that it could be as much psychological as physical.

Psychology:

This is an interesting part of the subject and the one that I've pondered my whole life and continue to. The 'taboo' aspect is certainly the most talked about appeal, but like another poster suggested, I'm not convinced that's what drives my kink. I've had lots of anal with my wife now and every day I just want to do it more and more. There's nothing taboo about it for us. We're not christian or religious in any way, we are not prudes or from prudish upbringings. We're very sexually open and experimental. So, at least in my mind, the psychological appeal isn't "What we are doing is so bad!", but more "What we are doing is so sexy and exciting and not many people are comfortable enough with themselves and each other to do this!"

I find anal sex to be far more intimate to me. Since I am a man, I expect that I have a very different mental/emotional outlook on sex than a typical woman, and so I can only guess here, but I think that an erotic anal encounter with my wife has an emotional effect on me much more like a woman normally regards any sexual intercourse (where "normal" sex is more a physical event to me than otherwise). When we have hot anal sex, my excitement levels during are obviously greatly elevated, but afterwards I could just cuddle for hours. I want to just keep massaging my wife and fetching her treats and spoiling her in every way.

It's not just that I'm trying to "earn points" to get more anal, but I truly feel more of an emotional attachment when we do this and I think it's because I am very conscious of the increased intimate bond that it has created between us when we have sex. Women can give out vaginal sex and blow jobs like favours, typically. Even if they're not all that into it. It's not that unheard of for some relationships to basically be kept going by a disinterested spouse giving her husband just enough satisfaction as is required to keep him happy enough to not complain. On the other hand, enjoyable anal sex (where both partners get equal pleasure) requires a full commitment from both partners to the act. The woman must feel 100% confident and have full trust in the penetrating partner - as there's much higher risk of injury, etc, if a guy was too rough. The male must be very in tune with his partner's reactions and body language and know the right moves to make at the right times.

It takes a lot of practice and trust to be able to have pleasurable, purely anal sexual encounters that are equally rewarding for male and female alike, but if it can be achieved, for many couples it can be a much more rewarding form of sexual intimacy.